Tag Archives: experiencing your Self


I was just thinking that when Thanksgiving rolls around we make a special effort to remember what we have to be thankful for. This is great but have you ever stopped to be thankful for you, for your very existence? Have you ever thought of the things that you can thank your self for? Maybe today you can thank yourself for all the hurdles you have overcome or at least faced and somehow got through. You could thank yourself for being who your are. You could thank yourself for dancing in the thunder clouds of life. You could thank yourself for doing the very best you could and can even if it falls short of your personal standard or mark of excellence. You could thank yourself for being open to new or advanced ideas and for letting yourself out of the box that someone else constructed for you. You could thank yourself for the times when you loved in a difficult situation. You could thank yourself for the things you may have sacrificed for others. You could be thankful for having given up some addiction or person that was sucking the life out of you and them.


You can thank yourself for being willing to step up and heal yourself and the world you live in. Because while you may have help from angels, God, a higher power, others in your life, or whatever power you call upon, you were willing to do what it took and what it still takes.   So this Thanksgiving, I give thanks for myself and for you and what we all bring to the table of life. 

Cinderella Girl

Feet dangling in the adult-sized chair, head bent downward slightly, eyes fixed on a spot in the flooring where an invisible stain nailed her, the demure female child felt small, insignificant, powerless, unacceptable, unworthy, unloved, but worse of all, unwanted and in the way. Her intuition was now tuned into sending feelers out into her environment to see if she could guess the next move and where it might come from. Gut ears reaching out to detect the other shoe dropping. Perhaps she could keep that shoe from dropping. Yes, she could hold onto that hope. The questions above all questions she might ask were the thoughts that never where spoken like What can I do to avoid that tongue lashing or leather belt that bites my flesh? Can I get through the day without breaking some unknown and sacred rule that would invite an unwanted response from the parent? Why did they bring me into this world if they are so displeased with me, especially the mother? Yes, these were the bothersome questions that consciously and unconsciously played in the back of her mind no matter how the day was going. These questions colored her world and made life more difficult than it should be all through her life. Right now, she did not know how much energy that took or how it would influence every thought, every decision, every choice she made for years to come.

Looking upon that child now in my mind’s eye, my heart goes out to her and I want to gather her in my arms, to tell her that she is a diamond in the rough, and that one day she will see herself as I see her now, a pure sparkling jewel that has a tough journey ahead and that it will all make sense one day. I

want her to know, as I look upon her unhappy little face, that it will all be worth it in the end. But, I know I couldn’t change things in that time long ago as it unfolded then and in the growing years to come. I only know that I can finally look upon the face of triumph and be so proud of what she has and is still accomplishing in this future time.

We think that we live in a space in time that spreads out in linear fashion with every step we take along our journey. Of course that is how it seems to us, because when we turn back time in our minds we can almost see the footsteps along a path from our first cry to where we might be now in human years. Yet doesn’t it seem like yesterday when we started our first day of school or had our first kiss or became a parent? There have been moments of my life that seem to have dragged by agonizingly slowly; other times moments went by in a blink. Time, it appears, is what our mind perceives it to be but one thing we can agree upon is that it is ever-moving energy captured in events of shadow and light. Our minds take a photo of these events, these moments, and place in the file called “My Life” along with all the emotion and meaning that we experienced then and placed upon them. This, I call baggage.

The god or goddess of Fate seems to descend upon every little girl and boy from birth doling out perks and punishments without thought or care. It reminds me of the ancient gods of myth who seemed to pick on mortals flaunting their powers and choosing to bless or curse at whim while leaving mortals believing they are powerless in Fate’s quake. For a very few die hard souls, however, with the desire to overcome and break the chains that would bind them, there is a freedom waiting for them that others may never experience before they die.

Rumi the poet wrote, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” In terms of Cinderella she not only gets to go to the ball henceforth known as that pure field but she eventually transforms from that abused little girl to that soul who becomes the princess she always was. The fairy godmother did not save her but supported that girl while she reached for and created the freedom and love that she desired. Prince Charming wasn’t a savior either but rather represents to this Cinderella, me, the love that was in her, outside of her, all around and through her. This was and is her dance partner.

I am evolving constantly as layer upon layer of lies I have told myself drop into ashes from which a new Phoenix is born. Rumi’s field is within reach now. I hear the music at the ball and I want to dance.

I had searched in others for the mother I wanted. I was hoping for direction, support, understanding, guidance, and love. I thought that these had been lacking and withheld from me. The fickle finger of fate had denied me and I knew not why. Now I know that the direction, support, understanding, guidance and love are within me. In a manner of speaking I am my own mother not that I don’t find and enjoy knowing that it is there in others as well. I enjoy sharing the wiser woman I have become and I know that the path that I had taken was not fate but rather mapped out by a higher power than myself to give me the opportunity to bring my bruised little Cinderella self through to self-actualization which is not the same as a damaged ego.

Abraham Maslow a psychologist in 1943 came up with his theory of the Hierarchy of Need . It’s been a hard climb to even get closer to the top of the pyramid where self-actualization abides. Maslow’s pyramid starts at the bottom with a person’s need for physiological necessities like food, clothing and shelter as the first order of need. Once that is met then one may be able to concerns him or herself with safety. From there, the next need is for belonging and from there moving onto the next, is esteem which can begin to catapult a person upwards towards self actualization. But it is not actually an upward movement where you leave one step to go to the next. It is more of spiral of movement where at times you may experience any of these needs to a more then lesser degree as you become more your real self. You are still wanting and needing connection with others but there is a giving and taking inspired by Love Itself. It still takes a village of many people and events in order to climb that pyramid.

Carl Rogers, a humanist psychologist, had a theory much like Maslow’s. He expanded upon self-actualization. He believed that self-actualization was more apt to be achieved if a child experienced unconditional positive regard from parents and significant others. This means that the parents and significant others loved and accepted the child for who and what they were at any given time. This child felt taken care of, supported, and loved no matter what and therefore could feel free to explore life and make mistakes without feeling like love was being withheld or based upon conditions. Rogers believed that a child deprived of positive self regard, particularly in childhood, would be less likely to reach self actualization. I believe it is possible for anyone to move beyond their deprivation of unconditional love if they realize, first of all, that there is anything to move beyond. Secondly they must be willing to do the work. It is hard work and requires an unimaginable desire to shed the shackles of self doubt and unbelievable need to be approved of in order to reach the individual ideal goal. It is the road less taken and there is no map.

So now, I take that little brave and determined little girl that I was into my embrace and no matter what she has thought or done ever that made her feel wrong, at fault , guilty, unworthy or unlovable and let her know that was all a lie. I want to tell her how brave she has been. I want her to know that I honor her efforts to break the chains of abuse. I want her to learn, if she hasn’t already, that she need not seek others approval in order to achieve positive self regard. I give her positive self regard. I love her no matter what and no matter what anyone else may think. I want her to be certain that she was always being the child she had to be in order to survive. Now she is free to be the soul, the person, she was destined to be and that she has and is doing a service to her fellow human beings by doing her part. I think my inner child now know that the adult she and I have become have been teaming up to heal abuse received and given no matter the form in which it came. The chain has been broken. Now is the time for healing..

I love you Brenda. You are a precious human being and I am delighted that you can see and feel the suffering of others even when they do not. Come away from the ashes, go to the ball and dance like everyone is watching but you don’t care.

Cinderella Girl by Brenda Andradzki Elliott, MSW November 16, 2014


I rattle on and on about positive thoughts, positive thinking, being grateful, and all that good stuff and smugly think that I don’t fail to do those things. Ha! That’s funny. I caught myself this morning realizing that I am age-conscious and not happy about my aging body. I look in the mirror and see that everything has gone South  (dipping-almost-below-the-equator-South). I see rivers and valleys etched upon my face and if I dare take a closer look at my skin I see pits and scales and rolls. Scales are okay for fish and rolls are a nice compliment to a dinner but not on my body please.

A closer look at the face and eye lids are beginning to droop. A glance in the mirror at my entire body shows that while my body has thinned more  making my bathroom scales seem less frightening,  my hair has been busy loosing numbers and thickness as well . How in the world can I feel so young inside and yet find that I am living in my grandmother’s body? Granted my body looks a whole lot younger and attractive than a grandmother used to look back in her day.  Still I cannot help but yearn for that firmer, softer-skinned, lovely girl I once was.

I would consider a face lift but then I have an aversion to pain and bruising, not to mention to the cutting and stitching of skin.  Besides,  that would not be my real face would it?   I can seek to understand  why I am so bothered by looking like the aging woman I am.   Perhaps it would be better for me  to just look at the love shining through me, the smile on my face, and the fact that I am still alive and doing pretty well for an “old” lady.

Winking at myself in the mirror I can say, “You are one hot Grandma!”  Hugging my body, I say thank you for continuing to get me from point “A” to point “B”.   I’m loving this body.


Breathe in the pain; exhale the peace. Breathe in the anger; exhale the love. Breathe in the fear; exhale the courage. Breathe in the confusion; exhale the need to know. Breathe in the hurt; exhale the compassion. Breathe in the disappointment; exhale the gratitude. Breathe in the prison; exhale the freedom. Breathe in the control; exhale release. Breathe in the hesitation; breathe out the steps. Breathe in dying; exhale life.

Breathe through the feelings – especially the painful ones – feel them, let them express then allow them to be transformed back into the silence from which they came when your thought gave them life.  Grieve them, allow them but do not make a bed in them.   Rather chose the place to lay your head and your heart that brings you peace, joy. and love.  Every though gives birth to feelings and feelings need to be acknowledged and allowed to have expression.  They are real and you are alive because of all feelings – both those you enjoy and those you do not.  Each feeling is just the flip side of the other and  within the whole of them is where your being springs forth and that being that you are is awesome, fantastic, beautiful, alive, full of promise, and precious.  Breathe that in and exhale the wonder that you are.


I cannot find my way out of this castle. The moat all around is filled with crocodiles, the guards are many outside of my room. and there are so many rules I tend to break so I am found guilty. The more I am found guilty the more guards there are and the more crocodiles there are in the moat. I used to run free. i used to chase the butterflies. I used to laugh with joy just to hear the music of my voice. But one day I heard the voices outside of me telling me I was not worthy to laugh, nor to fly and chase the butterflies, and that my voice was only noise. Now I am a but a moan in the wound of my soul.

It was the voices of society. It was the raspy growls of the crowd. It was the rejection of yourself that followed all of that indoctrination that built the castle, the moat, the guards and the locks that serve as prison. Free yourself my daughter for what you believe is in your mind, the mind that has been poisoned by a shadow they call ME. It is lies and they never were a part of you. Let the lies go, find ME within your heart. If you will do that, the castle, the moat, the guards will vanish and you shall fly with the birds and flutter with butterflies. You will soar above the raspy growls of the crowd and rest in the palm of the Love that you are. Let your voice spring forth from within you and let it carry the message that this freedom brings,


I wonder if you ever get to the point where you “know” and then you find it hard to break out of the silence to try to convey what you know? I wonder what this writer will do with that skill of writing? Rumi fell into poetry. Others have written it in story form from fiction to non-fiction to mythological conveyance. A writer who is true to his or her craft can only truly right from his or her point of view about anything at the time when the writing is happening. That NOW is captured and plugged into a level of understanding that can only be interpreted by the reader’s understanding at that particular time of their reading of it. I cannot tell you how many times I have either re-read or watched again a movie, or thought about either of these a time down the road and my understanding was completely different from the first time or I caught something I totally missed before. So whether you read or you write or you do both, know that everything is unfolding and changing and becoming more alive, more understood to the core IF you are awake, aware, alive, and have the desire to see what you may not have seen before. Open mind. Open heart. Swallow it all and expand, expand, expand.


You cannot grab a handful of wind but you can feel it and know that it is present. You cannot grab a handful of Spirit either but you can feel it. You can allow it to blow through you, around you, in you and through you. You can let it work its “magic”. All you have to do is to give your permission and offer your cooperation. That may mean giving up some of the hate you have; your stubbornness; your insistence upon being right and the other person wrong; your desire for revenge; your need to be adored; or you lack of the ability to know your own worth along side the wonder and worth of others. Can you do that? Need a little help with that? Learn to go inside and find the LOVE OF YOU LIFE. You can do this. You’ve got this. Go for it.