I took another drive to the Honda dealership today. I got the second set of keys to my car-finally. The Accord to which my books and extra keys belonged is now back with that car and my car’s extra keys and books are back with my car. I was watching myself and wondering why I wasn’t raising cane because I had worked with them for a week or more trying to get this little thing solved. I just felt there was no reason to puff out my feathers and cause a ruckus. It just didn’t really matter in the larger scheme of things. Mistakes happen and no one deliberately did anything to me. Knowing this negates my need for anger and being impatient with the process. It saves wear and tear on me and everyone involved. Also, they were eager to make up for the inconvenience with no prompting from me and no one had to feel upset or blamed. I told my salesman that there was no need to figure out how this happened or put blame on anyone or any thing. I told him that what was important was that we got the right keys and books to the right cars. Ah, blessed peace. We can chose to be peaceful, to be at peace.
As I drove out of the dealership onto the six-lane highway, it seemed to clear quickly and I made a left turn without a problem. I have done it before but not so easily. I had no idea what I was going to do next but I found myself driving into a furniture store parking lot to see if they had platform beds. A lovely, kind, man who gave off honesty and calm, loving vibrations met me at the entry to the store. To make a long story shorter, I not only found out some information about the platform beds, I was able to make a decision that best suited my needs than the original idea that I brought to the store with me and less expensive as well. So now I will be replacing the bed I have with a new mattress set and frame that is lower to the ground for my short little legs. Perfect! My pleasant surprise/gift came as the gentleman and I were talking about various things other than furniture. It was no coincidence that I happened into that store today. He is on the same kind of spiritual wave length that I am on and the knowledge and experience he has, he graciously shared with me. These were things I needed to hear. He reminded me there is only synchronicity at work; not mere coincidence.
There is no way I can truly convey some things or experiences with mere words. How do you put something into words that is really not of the ordinary dimension? It’s like trying to nail jello to a tree. It is something you just “get”. You just know it. You experience it. When you are with someone who is full of unconditional love and presence you recognize it. You also know during the meeting that there are things that need to be said and need to be heard. Two “old souls” meeting is a happenstance that is deeper than words can convey. I will be returning to the store on the weekend to make my purchase. Meanwhile I left the store with a couple of hugs and still feeling that I had had an otherworldly experience. I was so happy to have been able to talk someone who speaks my spiritual language. I got in my car and drove home but I am sure I also was also floating and feeling blessed.
Just so you dear reader know, this is a connection that has nothing to do with a man-woman relationship (he is very happily married and I am happily single). This is a soul to soul connection. There’s nothing like it.
So take another look at your everyday mundane life because if you look and listen very carefully, you may find that underneath it all there are guiding and invisible hands influencing your life and infusing it with something far deeper than the ordinary.
We can’t go back to the places we have lived and find the life that we lived and were. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to go back and visit where I have lived my different lives. Some of the homes I lived in have been torn down, burned down, or are occupied by other families.
We can’t go back really. A good question to ask is why we would want to? For reconciliations? To fix the missteps? To swim in a familiar pond that might have yielded some loving times, warm times, times of feeling loved or okay. To go back and try to see things differently? To laugh or cry with joy or sadness about the way it was at times? To find the answers to the mystery of your self? To have made different decisions? To have stood up for yourself when you didn’t? To once more hug someone you have lost since then? To go around and clean up some of the poop you though was slung all over the house or to realize there was no real poop, only humanity not quite living up to its potential?
Sometimes it might be helpful to go back to the physical house and put the ghosts to rest that way. If impossible to do that, take a mystical, magical, meditation in the quiet of yourself. Ask the questions you want to ask. Say the things you want to say. Ask to see the bigger picture and to understand, to forgive, to let go of that which holds you back. Ask to have your heart opened to loving where the hurt or disappointment might have been. Ask to see all the blessings you did have, the love you did have, the people who gave you hope and encouragement that you may have forgotten and those who did show you kindness. As I write this I am reminded of a teacher I had whom I knew had an idea about the hurt and the loneliness I often felt. He knew I was at the bottom of the elite list of kids who had privileges and money or popularity. He knew that often I came to school with colds and chapped lips that were neglected or unattended as though I had some absences of parental due diligence. I could feel that he was empathetic and caring. I will never forget that.
You can’t go back. Why would you want to? But you can in your mind and heart travels remake, redo, re-evaluate, reconstruct, forgive, remember the blessings, shed any illusions about your worthiness or the poop you though was all around and being flung at you. Visit but don’t go back to stay. Your home is within you and the life you make this very day each and every day. Make it the way you want it but don’t lie about it. Be honest, be loving, and take care of you and remember that home is where your heart is not a building or structure. That’s a house. It is not a home.
In the twilight of my years (at least I surmise that I have reached that marker) I find that like a traveler on a path that has appeared only with each step, I cannot see beyond the place where each now is happening. Looking back these many years, I congratulate the Universe for not showing me where my steps were taking me before I got there. Had I known what was ahead, in some cases I would have eagerly anticipated that future and easily walked into it not being able to arrive fast enough. In other cases I would have wanted to drop my anchor and not taken another step in an effort to avoid what was coming. The former surprises brought me unimaginable joy; the latter surprises brought me unimaginable wisdom.
Traveling along this road which only appears as I move forward, I can notice the dust of the years settling step by step upon my shoes. It is the dust of a few dreams that died along the way. It is the dust of no regrets yet a desire to have known then what I know now. I often though how ironic it is to have not even begun to know how to be a parent to new born children until after they were grown. It is only in the doing that we learn what we need to know. My father loved to talk about bits of my babyhood emphasizing how I did not arrive with an instruction book. My father seemed to want to have children. He grew up in a large family as did my mother and that was very common back then in the early twentieth century. I know for a fact that my mother put her foot down about having any more children after she had given my father one daughter and one son. At times I sensed that the two of us were even two too many for her. How do I know this? Little pitcher have big ears as they say and so it went in my life. One had to be sneaky or sharp to know what was going on in the “grown-up” world. No one talked about things they did not want to discuss back then, even the things that should have been discussed or acknowledged. Putting my ear to my parents’ closed bedroom door I heard the no-more-children declaration from my mother’s own lips. Well, dang, there goes my chance to have a sister. I would have to settle for my pesky little brother. That’s another of those things I was glad to not be able to see ahead of time. My pesky little brother turned into a man I was proud to call brother, a man whom I admired and grew close to in the last few years of his life, a man who would be taken unexpectedly at age 42 with a heart attack. Yes, I did not see that one coming.
In spite of what I say now, I did indeed wonder about the future. I loved stories real or not about people, mostly women, who had a gift of seeing the future. My guess is that females seem to come with built-in, varying abilities to sense or intuit things whereas males have a more concrete approach to life. One of my favorite toys was the magic 8 ball. You ask a “yes” or “no” question then shake the ball and either yes or no would or other simple answers would float to the window of the ball. A more modern version of the magic 8 ball would be the use of a pendulum and that is not considered to be a toy per se. A vertical swing usually means “No”, a horizontal swing usually means “Yes”, and a circular movement means “Neutral”. Tea leaves readings, tarot cards, and other forms of deviation are still around. If those scare you, try fortune cookies. True confession time. I did try a Ouija board once but that’s another story. Suffice it to say I threw it in the fireplace planchette and all; but, that’s fodder for another story.
We are all curious creatures and want to know what the future holds. How many years will I live or how many children I will have or will I get that job I wanted? We have so many questions but do we really want to know all the answers ahead of time? Even if we thought we knew, we can still make different choices that will alter the odds and point our future in a different direction. It’s all a game of choice and chance. I’ll make my choices and take my chances. How about you?
Consider this as an example of toxic people or situations. Noah is in the ark filled with animals and a few people and the woodpecker comes along and begins drilling holes in the ark. If Noah doesn’t stop the woodpecker, he and the others are going to risk downing. He doesn’t want to kill the woodpecker, but he does want to prevent harm, so he (lovingly) uses a net to try to keep the woodpecker from doing anymore harm.
Toxic jobs, toxic relationships, and toxic situations do not have to call for desperate measures but you do have to use common sense and love as your guide as to what to do to keep yourself safe and sane. It is also a great time for self-examination. What part am I playing in this scenario? If this keeps happening in my life, what beliefs, attitude, unhealed pain in my life or patterns may I be addicted to that is making a contribution to these kinds of situations? Every situation that seems toxic should start with self-examination and a willingness to first know yourself.
Toxic people, jobs, and other toxic situations can also be a clue that you could be doing something better. It could be that this job, for example, is a clue that I need to go into another way to make a living. This toxic relationship may mean that you have to give up trying to be everything to everybody. Maybe it is time to close the book on that chapter, Maybe it means I need to put some physical distance between myself and this other person. In any case, you can learn something from it and the other person has the same opportunity.. If it is a job situation, it can afford your co-workers the same opportunity to clean things up or go another way.
In my life, I have been a magnet for damaged people, addicted people, people with psychological problems (wounded birds so to speak), or people who think differently, people who think outside the box or who are rebels of some kind. – people who don’t fit the norm. (As an aside, this does not mean I do not mingle with or am a magnet for the people or situations that fit the norm.) I know I was called to be a healer but I tried doing it without first healing myself. The thing is, in my attempts to heal others, I was also healed. While I was making every effort to heal myself and understand myself, I found that I could better help others or know when to give up trying to help. Perhaps your calling is a different one. Perhaps your toxic situations will lead you down some path that you need to take that you would not have otherwise. Maybe having toxicity in your life was to help you grow your wings or to stand up when you have always cowered. Whatever is happening always includes an invitation to love yourself and to take that love with you into whatever toxic situation in which you find yourself. It’s the loving thing to do and you do not have to kill the woodpecker.
Actually what I am “loving” is the morning time when I am drinking my coffee and writing. Sometimes the writing takes the form of remarks or responses on Face Book. I often look in amazement at the words that form on the page as my fingers dance over my computer keyboard. Other times something that someone else wrote starts streams of words in my head and they come pouring out in my blog or in a separate post on Face Book or both. Other times as I awake and begin my day, an idea or thought takes form, seemingly from out of nowhere, and my fingers itch to get to the keyboard and to watch it all come alive.
My bathrobe or nightgown or pajamas are just symbols of a relaxed mode that indicates that at least for a while, I am not thinking about having to go anywhere or do anything so I can dance on the keyboard and create something out of nothing. Ah, the joy that arises as I allow what is bubbling up within me to come pouring out (or in some cases staggering out when I hit a road block or pothole or two).
Yes, housekeeping, neatness, and organization of my surroundings is not my forte’. I stop for a moment and look around. What a swamp! I wonder if all person who create have a tendency for a lack of real enthusiasm for being good housekeepers. I admit I have not yet reached the point where the swamp becomes such a threat, I must do battle with it or drown. When the words take a break, I can chip away a bit at the mess around me. The idea of simplifying looms noisily over my head; however, in order to do that, I must work on the swamp by keeping fewer things of “necessity” to sap my time, my energy, and my space.
My home does not look like a hoarder’s home but in my head sometimes it feels that way.
I watched the movie “Anna Karenina” the one made for TV in 1985 with Jacqueline Bisset and Christopher Reeve. (So as to not to confuse with other versions you may have seen.) The tragedy of that movie in a nut shell was that Anna allowed the thinking and attitude about women, especially the aristocrats, of that time period – 19th century Russia in this case- consume her with guilt about all her “sins” until it drove her crazy and she threw herself under the train. Her head was full of erroneous thoughts, lies she told herself that all began with, in my opinion, thoughts that she must be punished for breaking the moral code and all for having desired to be with a man who loved her rather than one who thought of her as a trophy wife that was there to make him look good. Many things could be said about this movie depending upon where you are in your understanding of things including your own beliefs about the shoulds and oughts in your path. We all could probably come up with some different ideas and beliefs and thoughts about this version of the story of Anna.
In the long run, I think the most important gem this story has to offer is how we get so caught up in self-condemnation that we literally kill ourselves. That’s love turned inside out or backwards. Life is nothing but choices that bring consequences we are pleased with and those with which we are not pleased. How many have driven themselves mad or to self medicating or self-destruction because they condemned themselves based upon what others believed or what they think was believed about them because of their choices or some other reason?
When you reach that place of not loving yourself for whatever reason, you immediately start on the path of self destruction. You may gamble too much, spend too much, eat too much, risk too much, drink too much, abuse drugs,work too much, drive yourself too much, do unhealthy things, smoke, break laws, and/or project onto others your own pain and anger and do harm to others. Any o.f these will make your life miserable and even kill you. I invite you to consider not being an Anna. Don’t get it inside out and waste your life.